I'm a loser this I know, but God still loves me...He says so.

Why am I a loser? I will explain: I haven't written on this blog in months. I will give my excuses, but I'm gonna be completely honest with you guys here.

I feel like I have been going through a spiritual desert. A lot has been going on in my life and I have felt far away from God. It started with my prayers. I just felt like they were getting no where and it made me mad. At God? Yes, at God. My family is in shambles and I'm really hurt by that. It's been like this for as long as I can remember and I think I just got fed up with it and started blaming God for keeping it like this. Why can't I embrace the fact that if I got what I deserved, I would burn in Hell for eternity? I don't deserve to approach a Savior so holy, much less be mad at Him for allowing my family to be like this. Why do I feel like I have to be served by God? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Well, on top of all of this, someone was judging my spiritual status by my blog and that has pushed me away from it even more. To all the readers out there. I never want my blog to be a way of rating me in my Christian walk. I mean, it is a good way of seeing what I'm learning but if you ever think, "Wow. She's really on track." Or "Dang, she needs to be saved." Then just stop reading it. I could very well be an ax murdered and make my posts sweet and challenging. And it could be the other way too. I could post empty posts that don't stir you at all, but my heart could be overwhelmed with what God is doing. So, don't gauge my spiritual walk by this. This is a way to encourage you and bring glory to Christ. Not to me. Got it? Get it? Good.

Alright, so that is my update and confession. Please pray for me. I'm doing so much better and the Lord has really awakened me. I still have so much to learn but I'm at peace knowing that God understands everything about me, even when I'm clueless. He knows exactly what has been going on with me and He loves me and my dirty soul. Every time I fail, He forgives me and invites me back into His loving arms. I have no need to fear or doubt. He is using these times to strengthen me and ready me for His work. This is what my post is gonna be about....the Lord making me into something beautiful and worth something.

Now that the intro section is over. I will start my actual post. "I'm a loser, this I know. But God still loves me....He said so." I made this up in a moment of brilliance. Please, no applause.

I am worth absolutely nothing. Neither are you. Don't click out. This is important. Say this to yourself, "I am worth nothing..." Doesn't this make you want to cry? I'm teary right now. I want to be worth something. I want to be valuable and special. But it's true that we are unclean, foul creatures that deserve nothing but the worst of the worst.

Now say this "I am worth nothing....but God...." Now this makes me cry. Without God, there is no hope. There is no joy. There is only sorrow. But WITH GOD, my heart can rest. I can sing and smile because I know that God finds worth in me, even when I'm undeserving. Even when nothing about me is good. GOD, in His perfection, looks at me and smiles, knowing that He has a story up His sleeve. He knows how I'm gonna turn out, and that end product is something to be proud of. Something worth seeing.

I love the mental picture of a piece of gold that's dirty and nasty...needing some major work in order to be worth anything. The refiner's set it in the fire and let it get REAL hot, then they take it out and scrape the impure layer off the top. Then the whole process repeats until the gold it shining and completely pure all the way through. This reminds me of what Christ does for us. He puts us through trials, that might really hurt when we are in the middle of it, but He has a purpose. That purpose is to sanctify us and make us suitable for His kingdom. Now, those trials hurt BAD, but if we cling to the cross, we find our sing being sandblasted away - leaving us shining and refined for HIS GLORY!

Romans 8:18 - "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed in us."

We shouldn't glorify the trials we suffer through. instead we should glorify the reflection of Christ's face shown when He looks at us. Others should see it in the smile we wear. Isn't that a way to live?

Zechariah 9:16 " On that day, the Lord their God will save them, as the flock of His temple; for like the jewels of a crown they shall shine on His land."

I hope that I'm humble enough to let the Lord refine me in the way that would make me most beautiful. He has the power and He sure knows how to use that chisel. I just have to trust Him and remember that my trials aren't happening because God is mad at me or loves to see me cry. Instead, He knows that I need a face lift and the only way that can happen is when I see that He is in control and when I give up the fight. I have to stop resisting. I won't win no matter what. Trials happen for a reason, and God is the only one who knows the reason. When will I let God be God? When will I stop trying to fix my life? When will I realize that I'm digging my own grave by running? Only God can see what I need. Only He can give me my needs. What would me life be like if I never stopped clinging to Him?