Lie #2: "If my circumstances were different, I would be different."
I grew up in a home that looked peaceful and great from the outside, but on the inside was full of turmoil. I am just gonna be honest and tell you that I have been severely emotionally abused. I didn't begin to realize this until I was 15 years old. I started going to counseling, and that's when I saw how emotionally jacked up I was. The abuse had really affected me deeply, and that made me so angry. I began to get bitter inside, although I didn't see it at the time. I started to notice things about myself that were just plain ugly. I would snap back so easily, smart off to my mother, and I almost had a self-hate problem. It's so hard to explain, but it's like I was extremely insecure and hated so many things about myself. Also, I honestly felt worthless. I still have journal entries saved in my computer where I would write that I didn't feel like I meant anything to my family. I said that I didn't add anything positive but only caused trouble and heartache. Of course, this wasn't true, but I sincerely felt that way. It makes me teary just to think about it because I was so deceived. Bitterness of pain had blinded me, but I wasn't willing to see the freedom the Lord was holding out to me. Instead I would say to God, "If you wouldn't have let all of this happen, I would actually be able to be content" or "I can't help but smart off to my Dad because he caused me too much pain. If it was different between us, I'd be better."
When I was 16, I went to a Youth Conference for a week during the summer. The Lord used the friends and speakers there to really touch my heart and began to soften my built up bitterness. There wasn't an immediate change, but over time I started to really improve. It's like my eyes were slowly opened and I no longer felt like a victim, but a victor! I was able to empty my arms of my bitterness and instead wrap my arms around Christ! I decided to tell myself that NO MATTER what circumstances the Lord has decided to put me in, they were for my ultimate good. I could choose how to handle them. The Lord refines His children by putting them through fires. If we can keep our eyes on Him and let Him sanctify us through it, we will come out on the other side leaping for joy because all the Lord has done!
Now I can honestly say that I wouldn't change anything about my life. If I could go back and change all the hurt, I definitely wouldn't do it. The abuse, the heartache, the fear and insecurity doesn't even measure up compared to what the Lord has done in my life. Yes, things have been very difficult, and there has been a lot of pain. I STILL struggle with insecurities and fears. Ask my boyfriend! Seriously, I have struggled in many areas, but the Lord continues to work. He has been with me so far, so I know He's not leaving me. Praise the Lord! I'm so thankful that because of the change the Lord has made in me, I'm able to find freedom in what most would call bondage.
Anyways, I'll stop rambling, but I want to leave you with a couple verses.
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4
"Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'" Matthew 13:5
The Lord knows everything that is happening to you and it is for a purpose! Don't let the circumstances control you. Let them change you for the better. Trials don't define you, but reveal who you really are. Let the Lord work through those trials to shape you and mold into something more beautiful than can even be imagined!
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